Dear Milo: Year 3

Dear Milo,

You are three years old! I'll be honest, more than once I've had to do the math to assure myself that this was in fact your third birthday and not your fourth. Somehow it seems impossible that you've only been in our lives for three years. Plus, you're really tall. You're wearing the clothes your brother wore just last Fall. 

First of all, I want to thank you for everything you are to this family. You are hilarious and are never happier than when we're all laughing at your newest bit. One night when Gehrig and Dad were gone, you and I were eating dinner and you said something {I couldn't understand what it was} and you laughed SO hard at yourself that I couldn't help but laugh, too. That made you laugh even harder, which made me laugh harder. Pretty soon we were both in tears and I still don't even know what the joke was. When Gehrig laughs at your antics, you turn to him with a gleam in your eye and say, "Do dat again?" He says yes and you do. And he laughs. And it goes on and on and on. I love that you get joy out of others' laughter. 

You are so sweet to your baby sister. "Mom, baby awake?" "Can my see her?" "Can my hold her?" "Baby otay?" "Mom, can my kiss her?" I hope you always look out for her like this. She's a very lucky girl to have you for a big brother.

You are still such a cuddler when you finally slow down. If I'm sitting on the floor, you move in behind me and hug me around the neck. After I change your diaper {yes, you're still stubbornly in diapers}, I pull you up by your hands and you immediately wrap them around me in a hug. Every time. I'm anxious to potty train you, but I will miss those hugs. You wake up too early every morning, but are usually willing to curl up in my bed for a little while before demanding breakfast. You really love to eat, but cuddling is a close second.

Dad and I always say, "It's good to be Milo." You are such a happy kid who finds the fun in everything. You love to be with your siblings, but also love to play by yourself. There are few things cuter than listening to you make up conversations between your toys. You're also in a big nurturing phase right now. You carry stuffed animals around, calling them your babies. Sometimes you put me in charge: "Mom, take good care of my babies!" But most of the time you carry them around, tuck them into blankets, and find places for them to sleep {laundry baskets, your hat, a kitchen cupboard}.

You are imaginative, sweet, loud, funny, and you bring so much personality wherever you go.

We are all so in love with you. Happy happy birthday, Bugs!

Milo's Birth Story

Milo turned one last week and I had every intention of posting this on his birthday. Unfortunately it was the craziest week of the semester and that just didn't happen. This is mostly for my own benefit, since I had this saved in a Word document and have been a little paranoid that it would somehow get deleted off the computer and I wouldn't be able to recall any of the details. So, as a nod to one of the greatest days, here's the low-down on how Milo entered the world. Beware, there are birth-related terms used here. Read at your own risk.

My due date, April 20, came and went, unsurprisingly. Gehrig was 7 days late, so I sort of always expected to go past my due date this time around. I was feeling really uncomfortable for weeks, especially since baby was so LOW. I think he may have dropped two or three times over the last month. Every time my midwife checked me, she couldn’t believe how low the head was. At my final visits she couldn’t even check me because the head was in the way.

I had Braxton Hicks for weeks, too. Each night they would intensify and I would almost think it was time, but then I would lie down, hoping to wake up and go to the hospital in a couple hours, only to wake up the next morning feeling fine.

I stopped working around April 16^th because I was so uncomfortable, tired, and just done. I had arranged sub plans early in the semester so I gladly handed my class over to her.

On Wednesday, the 24^th, I had a few visitors since it was my birthday. Jason’s parents brought me Subway for lunch and we ate cupcakes and cookies. Later, my parents came over since my mom was in town visiting my dad, who was working in Grand Rapids for the week. We ate dinner {pizza} and chocolate tea bread and I opened some gifts. I was feeling really cranky and just a little off all evening, but I chalked it up to being 40 weeks preggo, huge, and, umm, how any pregnant woman feels when she's gone past that date she has solidified in her mind as the day she will hold her baby.

On my nightly perch right before my parents left.

My parents left for their hotel around 9pm, after which I lay on the couch, experiencing my usual Braxton Hicks. I watched TV {The Rachel Zoe Project, I think? I wasn’t really paying much attention} and ended up on the floor, assuming different yoga positions to alleviate the tightness in my back and sharp pains shooting down my legs. Around 10:30pm I realized a lot of my discomfort was coming from my contractions, which were coming every 8 minutes or so. After calling my mom to give her a heads up that it was feeling a little different this time, I decided to lay down, like so many times before, and try to sleep. I kept dozing off, but waking up with each contraction. So at 11:30 {?? The times are a little foggy} I got up and told Jason that I really felt like this was it. The contractions were about every 5 minutes at this point and I was definitely breathing through each. I called Brenda, my midwife, and told her what was going on. She said to head to the hospital when I was ready.

This would have been thrilling to me, except I was so worried about false labor {I had been sent home twice with Gehrig} that I decided to take a shower and give things one last chance to slow down. The shower felt good, but things only got more intense once I was out. I called my mom and told her to come over. When she got there at about 1am, I was having really hard contractions every 4 minutes. Putting my shoes on seemed to take forever because I kept pausing to breathe. We finally got packed and ready to go, kissed a sleeping Gehrig goodbye, and headed out the door, but not before my mom snapped these pictures, mid-contraction. I think I was really annoyed at the time, but I'm kind of glad to have them now.

The half-hour drive to the hospital is a bit of a blur. The contractions were so intense and I was starting to feel anxious to get there and get my epidural, a sure sign that this was the real thing. What I remember most clearly about the drive is that we were low on gas. I had filled up the week before since this drive was imminent, but I hadn’t realized Jason took the car a few times and the tank was nearing empty. Luckily {as you’ll see later}, the gas station on our way was closed so we decided to just power through and get to the hospital on E. Thinking back, this should have made me a lot more anxious than it did, but the contractions were consuming my every thought at that point. Apparently Jason was talking to me on the way and was trying to have a normal conversation. He told me some stories about school, but I honestly was not listening even a little bit. At one point he pointed out how bright the moon was. I do have a clear memory of how brightly lit the highway was for 2 in the morning. Looking back, we realized it was a full moon, which explains a lot {apparently going into labor on a full moon is pretty typical. Crazy universe.} As we pulled off onto the exit, the gas light came on. Thank God the hospital was only a block away!

My mom took this picture of the moon on her drive to the hospital.

We pulled into emergency around 3am and went through the process of getting to Labor & Delivery triage. Oh, Labor & Delivery triage…you are always an adventure. And always the worst part of a birth story. When we got to triage, there was one other woman there who we noted sounding similar to a dying cow. That sounds awful. She was having a rough time, ok? Anyway, we got into our room {cell? booth?} and I stressed a little about getting checked. One thing I was never told about labor...Getting your cervix checked is the WORST. Anyway, they checked me and I was dilated to 6 {!!!}, so it was time to get me admitted. My elation about the 6cm was quickly dashed by the general demeanor of our nurse. Homegirl was STRESSED, mostly about the fact that I needed antibiotics for being Group B Strep positive and I was progressing really quickly. {Here's the part where I was really happy that gas station was closed and at least we were at the hospital and not still driving.} Her anxiety quickly transferred to me, but I was more concerned that I wouldn’t have time to get the epidural. And I really really wanted the epidural. Every two minutes, I had to close my eyes and turn inward, breathing as best I could through the contraction. When I asked Nurse Sunshine about my epidural, she scoffed and said, “You''l never get it at all if we can't get you up to labor and delivery!” and she rushed out of the room. I remember sharing a look with Jason like, “What is going on? Isn’t she supposed to be the calm one?”

When they finally got my IV going, they quickly rushed us off to L&D. Poor Jason was told to pull the foot of my bed while Nurse What’s-Her-Deal shouted at him, “Go through the door, dad! No, not that door! Go right! No, left!” Keep in mind, there were about 8 other nurses just lounging by the desk in triage. Why they couldn’t help out, I’ll never know. Cow lady was gone at that point and triage was empty. 

So, we got to our labor and delivery room and my nurse, Erin, was standing outside with my chart. As we pulled up, Nurse Horrid said, “This is…actually, I don’t even know their names!” Angel Erin quickly replied, “This is Brenna and her husband Jason. Come on in.” I loved her immediately.

The room was dimly lit and extremely calm except for the stressed out nurse who, for some reason, stayed in the room to fill out her chart. She kept sighing and scoffing about something on her computer. I asked Jason to play some music {Alexi Murdoch} so that I could stay calm. Erin picked up on my annoyance and ushered her out of the room saying, “You can just text me later.” Peace at last. Well, as much peace as you can have when entering transition…I found that sitting up was much better than laying down. I took to rocking side-to-side and kind of moaning through each contraction. I was doing ok mentally, but was still very focused on getting some relief through the epidural. When Brenda got there at 4:30ish, she checked me and I was dilated to 9. Whoa. I asked tentatively if I could still get the epidural, fully expecting them to tell me it was too late. Brenda said it was totally up to me. “You’re doing great on your own, but if you feel like you need it, we can get them in here right now.” Get them in here right now! The anesthesia team was on standby when we got there, so the nurse went over everything with me and I was finally getting the needle in my back. More than anything, it was a welcome distraction from the seemingly never-ending wave of contractions. Even though the thought of that needle makes me want to vomit, I was happy to have something else to focus on. I’m pretty sure I broke Jason’s hand at some point, though I’m not sure if it was because of the pain of the contractions or the fear of the epidural. Either way, I’m glad he was able to just grin and bear it. Or just bear it. I'm not sure he was grinning.

The epidural worked right away on my right side, which was beautifully relieving. My left side was still feeling everything, so they tipped me to one side and told me to push the button to get more medicine to that side. Push I did. My left side never fully felt the effects of the medicine, but it was enough to take that horrible edge off of the contractions, which were right on top of each other. The nurse tried to empty my bladder, but the babe's head was so far down, she couldn't get the foley cath to my bladder. Knowing how far down he was and how quickly I was progressing, Brenda said to try to rest for a bit, though it wouldn't be long. I had closed my eyes for maybe 15 minutes {it was about 5am now} when I started to feel some pressure. {Full disclosure: I was starting to feel a little pressure before they even gave me the epidural, but I wasn’t about to tell them that}. Brenda came back and I was fully dilated. Time to push! 

Side note: Jason’s parents had come to our house to relieve my mom around 2:30 and when we were in triage Jason told my mom she could head to the hospital since I was being admitted. Things in the L&D room went so quickly though, he hadn’t told her that we were close to meeting baby.

I pushed for about 5 minutes when we heard a knock on the door. It was my mom, totally unaware that it was go-time. I said, “Hi, mom. I’m pushing!” We hadn’t planned on her being in the room, but when the nurse asked if we wanted her to stay, I said yes.

Pushing this time around was so different. With Gehrig, it took about an hour and a half and I had to change positions with almost every contraction. This time, everyone was very quiet, to the point that I had to ask if I was doing ok. They said I was doing great and the baby would be out in a couple more pushes. I just remember the room being so calm and peaceful. You know, aside from the whole pushing and laboring part. Brenda spent most of the time kind of stretching me so I wouldn’t tear {which I’m grateful for, but ugh, that was not comfortable} and then, with another push, all of a sudden he was out and Jason said, “we have 2 boys!” and then they set him on me and wiped him off, all while I stared in disbelief at how quickly it all went and how beautiful he was. 

With my midwife, Brenda.

I hate seeing myself in post-birth pictures, but this one is pretty sweet.

He was born at 5:25am. I love that we know this was almost exactly an hour later. 

So tired, but so happy.

Happy 1st Birthday, Bugs. That was a wonderful day, but you bring even more joy to our lives now.

Dear Milo: Month 10

Dear Mi-Guy,

I could start this letter with every single cliché about the passage of time {it's flying by. where does it go? you're growing up too fast. wish i could make it stand still....etc. etc.), but really, Baby Boy, you are seeming so big lately. You even took your first step this past week! You want to walk so badly and always prefer to be standing {holding on to something...usually my leg...or just standing in the middle of a room}. I think you'll be running behind your brother in no time.

You think your brother is hilarious. He thinks you're pretty funny, too, except when you try to eat his toys. You are extremely tolerant of his impatience, smiling when he pushes you or laughing when he throws a tantrum. But you also like to wrestle with him and pull his hair, so I guess you can hold your own in those rougher moments. 

We had some months of very little sleep, but you are gradually getting better at taking naps and giving me a little break at night {waking up to nurse one time as opposed to three}. Those four teeth that all came in at once really wreaked havoc on our house. So glad you're feeling better and back to your happy, cuddly self.

You love giving kisses, which usually involves grabbing our faces and locking us in to a big, open-mouth slobberfest. You love attention more than anything. If we're not making eye contact with you, you crane your neck  and get right in our faces so we'll look at you. You think you're pretty cool when you imitate Gehrig and make us all laugh. The dinner table is becoming much louder with the shrieking and hissing noises you make.

You started doing some signs recently, which always fascinates me and makes me so happy to be able to actually communicate with you. You sign 'more' and 'all done' and 'danger' and every time you do I kind of think you're a genius. I love watching you learn new things.

I am enthralled with the little huge personality you are developing. You're a bit of a daredevil...trying to climb stairs and get into everything you possibly can. One of your favorite things to do is bolt toward anything we try to keep you away from {a computer cord, the vacuum, a closed door when big brother is napping...}. You think it's so fun to be chased and the glimmer you get in your eye makes me think I've got some challenging moments in my future.

Thanks for making our days so fun and our nights so long, Buster. We all love you so much and think you're {as G says} "so tute."

Love, Mama 

Dear Milo: Month 3

Dear Mi-Guy,

You have been here for three months already. How is that possible? You have pretty much been the perfect baby since day one, which we should have predicted since your arrival was almost exactly what I hoped it would be: quick, "easy," and peaceful. Isn't it fitting that the meaning of Milo is "peaceful"? Your dad and I didn't know that before we met you, but now I can't imagine a name being more appropriate.

There are so many things I love about you. On top of having the most kissable cheeks and gorgeous pouty lips, you are a champion sleeper, waking up twice per night, at most, with a 4 or 5 hour stretch thrown in there. That is an amazing gift for your mama. Thank you! What's most surprising to me is that when you do wake up, you don't cry. You just squirm a little and grunt until I pick you up, upon which you usually flash a big, gummy grin my way. 

You are extremely tolerant of your brother, who tends to bombard you with pokes, jabs, and baseballs thrown in your general direction. In fact, your first ever smile came when he was all up in your grill.  He loves you so much and I can already see your relationship start to develop into something amazing.

In the last couple weeks you have really started to giggle, especially when Dad talks to you or we tickle your excellent rolls. You push up during tummy time and you even rolled over both ways a couple days ago. All these milestones are happening quicker than I might like, but I also feel so lucky that I get to watch you grow. 

You have added so much love to our family. I can't imagine my world without you. 

Love forever and ever.